new chapter

Sister, Kiko, and Piko

       Right now all I feel is fear. I'm scared of the step that I'm taking right now. But I have to be brave because this is where I want to step my foot, this is the path that I choose. Some of you may think this is ridiculous, even myself think this is ridiculous and that's okay. It's okay to be ridiculous, to be dumb. This is my new chapter. And if my new chapter started with a mistake then what you'll see is how I grow from my mistake. Either way, this is my new chapter.

         I've been dreaming about this small dream of mine. It was small and society think that's not a good carrier to choose, but still, I often think of myself in that field. I never consider to pursue it, that small and uncertain dream of mine. It's because I'm scared. What if I didn't succeed? What if I suck? What if I failed? I am so full of worry that I ended up doing what everyone else's doing...burying those dreams because I'm unsure.

         So I take a step to the path where everyone else's going. As I walked to that path, I realized how dark that path is. Like I see no light, it's just an empty path for me. But yet I choose to keep walking because I don't want to stop when everyone's walking, I don't want to be left behind. Right now I'm standing behind the closed door. The door is locked and all I need to do is look for it's key.

The thing is...I don't want to find the key. I'm scared of what's behind the door. What if behind that door is another path, an empty path that I have to take because I opened the door? Walking to another empty dark path scares me. It's still a path, but I don't know where it'll take me. I don't know will I like the end destination. I know nothing, but I know for sure it's another path waiting for me.

I've been thinking a lot about this. I got sick twice due to high stress, I sleep late, I'm emotional, basically, I'm a mess. I can't live like this. I can't keep going like this. I know I have to do something. So...I've decided to not look for its key and make my own path. This is dumb, I know, especially it's an open door in front of me. That door will open a path for me, a clear path instead of making my own uncertain path. But no, I decided to look for my own.

I'm scared of making my own path. But I'm also scared to walk on another empty path. I'm just scared of everything, so why don't I try what I want? This made me realize that no matter what I choose I'd still be scared. I live in fear. I'm scared of everything. I'm not even lying, I'm just scared of everything. 

That feeling...the feeling of being scared, makes me bold that day. That day I decided to face one of my many fear. I'll tell you guys what I did later. But the point is that day I brace myself to do it. And I did it. I actually doing it. Do I feel good? Hell no. All I feel is another fear. Not relieved, but scared. I am waiting right now. I'm waiting for an answer and it scares me. I'm trying to fool myself that everything's gonna be alright when I know in fact this is not gonna be a smooth ride. This will be rough...and I'm scared.

I had a dream last night. I was dreaming that I'm packing my luggage. That dream has a good meaning they said. It indicates that I'm going to a new chapter, I'm doing something that's gonna change my life, I'm off on an adventure. Not gonna lie, I was relieved to know the meaning behind that dream. Then later in the morning, I fell asleep again I don't know why I just feel so tired the whole day. So I fell asleep...and again I dreamt something. This time I dreamt of having a beautiful obedient son. Looked up again for its meaning, and they said it means good fortune in the upcoming future. They said it'll take me an outstanding success and magnificent victories. 

I know we shouldn't believe in that stuff, but stuff like that calms me. As if it's telling me that I did something right, not one hundred percent wrong, I did make something right for myself. At least maybe a tiny bit of right. A white lie.

Either way, I want to make myself believe that everything's gonna be okay. Just keep doing what I wanted to do. Just don't stop pursuing it. I sacrificed the clear path to make my own, so no matter what and no matter how ugly my path is, I have to keep walking. I have no way back. This is my only chance, my only path. 

Dear me, if you read this in the future, just remind yourself why you started your own path. Remind yourself what scares you. Remind yourself what makes you change your path. Start believing in yourself because if no one else's did, who will if it's not you? You only have you. So don't disappoint yourself.